Yeah...today? Not such a good training day for me. In fact, I had a complete meltdown in the middle of Concord Park. Why? Because I can't run as fast as I want.
Let me give you a little back story - I have a long history of getting frustrated with my running. While I have made some improvements, it's still my athletic nemesis. I'm not a natural runner - I'm not lean and I have short, stocky legs. I also didn't start running until five years ago. Until I started training with FTP, I had no idea that running was more than just moving your legs - that you actually needed to have some form, as well. And though I now know about form, it's been a challenge to incorporate this form into my running. Sometimes I get it, and sometimes I don't. Sometimes it's easier (it's never easy), and sometimes it's really, really hard. And it gets frustrating because I feel like I'm doing the same things that the fast people are doing, and yet, I'm not going as fast. That frustration builds up over time until I get to a day like today, when it all just falls apart.
So...here's the story. According to my training schedule, I was supposed to run a 10 mile run today with alternating paces - some easy and some at tempo, with the tempo being about a 9-minute mile. I know for a lot of people, a 9-minute mile isn't that fast, but that's a pretty good clip for me.
I started my run today a little after 7:00 am, and it was already almost 80 degrees. Ugh. Fortunately, most of Concord Park is in the shade, which helped a lot. I knew my legs would be tired from yesterday's 75 mile ride but I also knew from experience that they would loosen up after a couple of miles. So, I started running, and my legs were a little more tired that I expected. They didn't hurt, but I was struggling just to make my "easy" pace. However, I was able to speed up a little bit until I hit my pace, and held it until I was supposed to move to my tempo pace.
This is where things took an ugly turn. I started running faster and I think I'm crushing it because I'm working really hard. But when I looked down at my watch, I was only doing 9:20 miles. What? I feel like I'm sprinting and I'm only going 9:20? How is that possible? So, I keep running and I'm really hurting now... but when I look down again, I'm at 10:00. How am I going SLOWER?! And I just lost it. I slowed down as tears came to my eyes. All sorts of negative thoughts came rushing into my head, with the main one being that I have no business training for an Ironman because an Ironman should be able to run a 9-minute mile in their sleep.
I walked over to a bench to collect myself and after a minute or two, I pulled myself together enough to start running again. I'm REALLY trying to push it now. I mean, I KNOW I can run a 9-minute mile. My 5K PR is lower than that, and that was on a hilly course!! All of the horrible speed tests I do for Coach Andrew state I should be able to do this. I CAN DO this... Except I didn't. I looked at my pace after about a half-mile and I'm not even close. And I lost it again. And again, the negative thoughts popped in my head... "I suck." "I shouldn't be out here." "I'm a freakin' joke." Thank Goodness no one was near me because I know they would have thought I was crazy. And they wouldn't be wrong - what grown woman cries in a park because she can't run a 9-minute mile? Well, apparently, this one.
But - I pulled myself AGAIN and started running. And this time I'm hitting my times. I'm running about 8:45 miles. HAZZAH. Except this time, I'm having thoughts like "You can't keep up this pace" and "You're never going to make it to the end." And I started thinking about how far I had to go until I could slow down and it just seemed SO FAR.
Any guess as to what happened next? As much as I'd love to say that I conquered my inner demons and nailed the rest of the run, that's not what happened. I completely convinced myself that I wasn't going to make it to the end - and I didn't. I started walking. And crying, though not as badly as before. Thankfully, I had sunglasses on because I was on the main path now and there were people around.
I slowly walked the 1.5 miles back to the car. I was too deflated to try to run again. I tried to figure out what exactly went wrong. It wasn't nutrition / hydration - I actually felt pretty good in that regard. My legs were definitely tired from yesterday - that could have been it, though I've run faster directly off the bike in the past. I also debated on what to do with the workout. At first, I decided I was going to go home, take a nap, and finish up the miles on the treadmill. I also toyed with the idea of just trying the entire run again tomorrow. By the time I got to the car, I still wasn't sure what I was going to do. But then, I decided that no matter how tired and defeated I was, going home was only going to make me feel worse. So...I refilled my water bottle, had a Gu and started running again.
I had a little less than five miles left. Unfortunately, it was about 90 degrees by now and some of the shade had gone. Rather than trying to hit any particular pace, I just ran to get it done. With the exception of one stupid hill towards the end that I didn't even attempt to run up, I ran the entire distance. Considering all that I went through this morning, I considered that a victory.
Now that it's a few hours later, I know that I was WAY too hard on myself today. I know I have as much right to be training for an Ironman as anyone else. I also know that my running troubles are mostly mental, rather than physical. I'm fit enough to run faster, I just need to get my head around that I can. It's an ongoing struggle. But no one said Ironman (or running) was easy. As for today - I survived and live to fight another day. Which starts tomorrow morning.
See you on the roads!
No comments:
Post a Comment